Life is a mystery.
I think bad things happen to good people, and sometimes they happen repeatedly. You just can’t and won’t ever understand why. Those bad things may bring you to your knees, having you beg God for a little bit a mercy, just a little bit. To just let up a day or two. Just one day even. A day for the sole purpose of being able to breathe again because The Bad Things seem relentless. They make you question yourself, and everyone around you.
Soon enough, it will break you down completely.
Make you forget you are, what you are, and where you came from.
And what breaks you down the most? Is the fact that you feel like The Bad Things have won. While you tried to fight and fight, and always look on the brighter side of things, you have finally broken down and given up. You feel like a failure.
All you can do is sigh and say, “you’ve won.”
Because no matter how strong you were a year ago, and no matter how well you handled situations like this a few months ago, it doesn’t matter anymore. The person you knew, isn’t the person you know anymore.
I use the word second person, “you”, because I know I am not the only person feeling this. I know how all of it feels. I know how it feels to continuously be beaten down by Life and feel completely helpless. Like no one can help you because they can’t hear you. And sometimes they aren’t willing to hear you, they only want to question “what is so bad about it?”
Have you ever been stuck in sleep paralysis? When you are dreaming, but you can’t move or scream and you can usually see the bad thing (whatever it may be) coming towards you but there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it? That’s how I like to compare this too. It gets to the point where you can see or feel these Bad Things following you, or sneaking up on you. And if you’re a lot like me, you know how it feels to try to move on EVERY TIME after something bad does happen. I tell myself to be strong, and I can handle it. I stick it to the back of mind, along with all my doubt and worries. I stick back as far as it will go.
Then it happens again.
You brush it off.
You begin to put a guard up. You stand tall.
It happens again.
You tell yourself it will be okay, it will pass. Be patient.
You sigh. You are trying.
You don’t understand why.
You question yourself. What am I doing wrong?
And again. And even a few more times in between.
You’ve given up.
It is sad, isn’t? No matter how strong you were once, there will always be something that will tear a person down. I have seen it with myself, and with so many other people. I have seen a person’s smile hold back so many tears. It holds backs to much pain, hurt, and suffering.
I am praying that someday I can wake up with a better attitude on life. That I will wake up stronger than the day before, more optimistic, guided, easy-going, more trusting, and stress free.
Today may not be that day. But it’s a start. It’s one day closer to that day. I know you may feel like this race will never end, and you are out of breath and exhausted. You feel defeated… whether you win or lose the race, you have been in it for so long now, the only thing you can look forward to is finishing it. Finish it strong. Finish hard. And finish it for the girl that is waiting at the finish line. When bad things start to happen to us, we all start running this Race. This Race tests all you ever know. Any strength you may have. Others finish faster than you sometimes, but this race only trains you for the next one.
Have you ever heard of “Runners High”? If you haven’t, it is a a euphoric feeling experienced during prolonged, hard exercise. You suddenly feel like you could run and never stop. The pain disappears. Any mental block you have that may be telling you to give up, disappears. You feel like you are running faster than ever before and weirdly enough it is enjoyable. Some people feel that sooner than others and if you’re like me, you might be one of the last to feel it. Hoping you even feel it at all. If and when you feel that, you know the race is coming to an end. When you meet another obstacle in life, and this time it didn’t tear you down like it did before, you know you are making progress and you are almost done.
You may not feel as strong as you were last year, before you started this race, but you’re still in it because you’ve trained yourself for it before, without even realizing it. You still wake up everyday to run that race because it isn’t over yet. The bad will eventually stop getting in your way, or you will eventually begin to stop noticing it trying to affect you. If you can just hang onto to that hope, it is a start to a new strength. A stronger strength… one that will allow you get first place in the next race.