I have so many drafts.
“What are you even saying, Chloe?”
I have 16 unfinished blog posts. I have 16 drafts. Dating all the way back to April of 2016 – that was 3 years ago.
It is like taking a trip back a few years to the unfinished thoughts of Chloe. You wanna know why I think that is cool? Because in those posts I was in such of different place. I really would like to go back and finish and publish them because they are ALL great topics to write on, but I can’t.
I get on here to write and I see those drafts every single time and I don’t delete them, I don’t finish them, I just leave them. I leave them there because there were very very broken parts of me typing that day and trying to be overly optimistic about a truly shitty situation. Yes, I know optimism is better then being pessimistic about a situation. But I also have learned that it is okay to let things upset you. Not everything bad needs to be turned into good, right? That is how we learn? That is makes us human? Feeling all different types of emotions instead of always trying to make every situation perfect.
In honor of those 16 drafts, I would like to quote something out of every one. Most of it will just be random pieces.
Honoring them for what they were and the part of me that wrote them.
Here we go.
April 20th, 2016: Our time is limited.
‘Time. Doesn’t. Stop.
Everytime I think about that it kind of scares me. I remember looking back in August of 2015 so ready for my senior year to be over and now in 10 days, it’ll be over. Time didn’t stop. It kept going. Now, I am so excited for my wedding some day, having kids and a family, and one day I will look back and say I remember when I was a senior in high school and I couldn’t wait for the rest of my life, and now it’s almost over.
Promise me something? Promise me you won’t live your life basing how much you’re liked by the number of likes on your Instagram post or Facebook status.’
July 14th, 2016: Mean people suck
‘Dear mean people,
Seriously though, why? When people try and help you, why do you have to get so upset about it? Why don’t you smile back at someone who smiles at you? Why can’t you say please, excuse me, or thank you? Why do you have go out of your way to make someone else upset, or mad?
August 28th, 2016: Finding Happiness in a Not So Happy Place
‘Finding happiness in a not so happy time in your life can be one of the hardest challenges anyone has to face. How do you find happiness when the fact of the matter is, there is nothing enjoyable about it?’
August 31st, 2016: i am a sinner
“I am not the image of a Christian that I want to be. Everyday I struggle.”
September 9th 2016: how to break up the right way
‘Break ups are tough, and they just suck. But, the one thing you should never ever ever do is to be disrespectful towards the other person. Whether they cheated on you or simply just lost feelings for you, you have to be respectful and keep your good character. (If they cheated on you, its best to just make no contact with them ever again, but still don’t be disrespectful).’
October 7th 2016: Everyday should be ‘world smile day’:
‘You’re awesome. All of you.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. Don’t let someone tell you that you’re not beautiful, pretty, nice, genuine, etc. You are and always will be enough.’
March 17th 2017: no regrets ????
“Yes, I enjoy failing. I enjoy the experience. I enjoy bettering myself and learning to become better. I enjoy learning for myself and figuring out what makes me, me. Although I am very similar to my parents in many different ways, (my dad and I are very alike in the way that we are VERY outspoken and we butt heads frequently because of that), I love seeing life in other peoples perspective and figuring out where I truly stand in life as a person. Sure, I have many similar morals to my parents but I also have developed my own morals and views on life, and I wouldn’t if I hadn’t tried and failed. Like I said, more times than not, my parents have been right. But there is that few little bunch that have been different from my parents, other family members, or friends. Even your mom and dad, just like mine, don’t have all same morals in life. I’ve even taken bits and pieces of a different perspective from my sister.”
April 4th 2017: An open letter to my best friend
“I think you’re beautiful. In every aspect you’re beautiful to me. Even though sometimes you don’t think or believe that, trust me, I do. I love the fact that sometimes it literally takes us up to 20 tries to get one good picture, but I love that you know you look good so we have to make sure we take one. I love that we’ve been able to watch each other grow as people. You are my constant reminder that there are better days.”
April 4th 2017: do what makes your soul come alive
‘Have you ever just sat and thought about the hundreds and hundreds of things you’re going to go your entire life without doing? Not because you chose not to, but because it would be impossible to do all these crazy things. There are so many different things we wish we could go and see. We wish we could do or wish we could be. It would INCREDIBLE to go to Fiji because like, dude, it’s Fiji. I don’t know that I ever will though. I want to skydive, but I don’t know that I ever will.
Okay I’m trying to get to my point, just bare with me.’
May 4th 2017: my freshmen year at a community college
‘Let me tell you some raw information about my freshmen year of college from a COMMUNITY COLLEGE student.
I live in an apartment with my best friend. We make our own choices, and we can basically do whatever we want and when we want just like a lot of other college students. It’s nice and I love it. Even though I love when my mom would make dinner every night, and I didn’t have bills to pay, and she would do my laundry for me, I wouldn’t trade this independence for the world. Sounds like the life, huh?’
December 11th 2017: new year BETTER me
“2017 may have been one of the most challenging years I’ve ever dealt with.
There were so many things that tested my mental strength. I didn’t think I was going to make it through some of the things I had to deal with. I felt the loss of a loved one for the first time in my life, betrayal, disappointment, deception, anger, jealousy, frustration, and so so much more. All those things made me question myself and where I was at in life. If I was actually supposed to be where I was. There were so many times I had to sit myself down and tell myself I WAS important. My feelings MATTERED and I needed to make sure I was doing what made me happy. I had to make hard decisions because of that, but in the end, I know I have made the right ones.”
January 11th, 2018: his smile
“It’s funny, isn’t it? How babies cry and to everyone else it all sounds the same, but to the mother each cry means something different. When you know someone so well, you begin to understand them without needing the words to know what they mean. For instance, his five very important smiles.
- his “you are beautiful” smile
- his very subtle”omg I love you so much” smile
- his super excited”AHHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OMG OMG OMG OMG“
- his “you’re my girl” smile
- his “I am proud of you” smile.”
May 8th, 2018: to the ones that tried to break me
“This one is for you.
The girls and the boys.
The sad, miserable, souls that tried to break me.
Tried to tear me apart and make me feel less than what I am.”
March 15th, 2019: different places
“I am 21 years old and I have yet to attend a full year of college. I should be a senior in college by August of this year. Most of my classmates will be graduating college, and I will yet to have attended college.
My best friend hasn’t gone to college, she is 21, and she had her little girl a few months ago. She is planning on going to school for dental assisting here soon.
My sister will be entering her second year of college for music education this August.”
I realize that isn’t 16, and a few of them only had a title or about 2 words, so I didn’t put them in here.
But I will leave those there. So there were never any emotions or thoughts that went unheard, never a piece of a broken heart that was cried out into words, never stray thought of thankfulness to someone in my life.
I find freedom in writing, freedom in words.
Seeing those 16 drafts, I can see that out of all things that have changed about me in the last 3-4 years, THAT is one thing that has never changed about me.
That is one thing about me that I will always love.