letting go

This has been something I have been debating on writing about for awhile now.

I have spent nearly everyday the last month deciding if 1. it was a good idea and 2. if I’d even be able to find the words to make trying to write this worth my time.

Every now and again, I find myself trying to write and I get on my laptop, start typing, then I delete.

I do it again.

Type. Delete.

Thoughts start running through my fingers… typing, typing…. deleting.

Sometimes my thoughts are too scattered to put anything into words yet, that is why I wait.

I wait until I stop deleting the first sentence over and over again.

Until my typing doesn’t stop, my thoughts keeping transforming into something that means something.

I think I have waited long enough to figure out the right words, the right story to tell, a way to transform my words into meaningful advice for someone that may need it.

okay, let me just jump straight to the point.

As most of you know, I was supposed to be getting married in about 40 days.

Okay, I said it. *rolls eyes*

I am no longer getting married. I am no longer with the person I was supposed to be marrying. The ending of the relationship was messy.  Very messy. To be honest, the entire relationship was honestly a big mess. Nothing about it was as it should be. It wasn’t patient, it wasn’t kind, there was envy, it was dishonest and selfish. It was easily angered and it kept a lot of records of wrongful doings.

It has been almost 2 months since the break-up. And I am happy.

Some part of me knew for a very very long time that our relationship wasn’t right. I used any sort excuse I could to convince myself that it was right, and even planning a whole wedding and a move halfway across the country. There were nights I would ask God for answers, but out of my own selfishness I chose to never listen to Him. Until one day, He finally gave me the strength and courage to do something I never thought I could…. leave. He still gave that strength and courage to me even though I went two years choosing not to listen… I think that kind of love is something we can all learn from. Still to this day, I am amazed that I did it. I was a different person that day. I really really never thought it was something I’d ever find the courage to do.

But, it is okay that we did not work out. We both changed and we weren’t capable of changing together, we weren’t a very good team. We were selfish to each others needs and emotions and have been since day 1.

But let me make something very very clear to ALL of you……

It is okay to change. You are never in the wrong for changing. Never let anyone EVER bring you down for changing. You are entitled to your own feelings and the moment that anyone tries to tell you otherwise, is the moment you need to realize that person is TOXIC. Friends, family, significant others, anyone. It doesn’t matter the relation that person has to you, if they try and make you feel less for how you feel, they are toxic. Period. 

My simple answer to anyone that asks why we broke up is, I was not happy.

No one needs any other explanation and no other explanation really matters either. I was not happy. And that alone is a good enough answer.

I felt lost for a very long time. Over the last 2 years, I would find myself accepting situations to happen that I shouldn’t have ever allowed to happen. I lost my worth. I felt like I was losing who I was, what I knew I deserved, and what made me happy. Looking back at it, I am sad for myself.

But, there is nothing I regret. I try to never regret anything to begin with, but instead let my bad situations transform my mind. I let it strengthen me. Change my perspective. I choose to learn rather than regret. Does that make sense? Just read that again. I choose to learn rather than regret. I have learned my feelings DO matter, I am very important, I know what I deserve and you will receive everything you deserve and more from someone that actually loves you.

The second you start questioning your relationship with someone is the second you need to leave. You will never question a relationship with the right person. I have also learned love is not a feeling, but a commitment. It is a commitment to someone that you will stay faithful, be present on their harder days, listen, communicate, be honest with your own feelings, and simply be a good teammate. That is what love is. If you feel as though you are lacking any of those things, then it probably isn’t right and we lacked a lot of those things. And just because together we lacked those things, that doesn’t mean I know he isn’t capable of giving that to someone else just as I know the same about myself. You will go to great measures for the people and the person you love wholeheartedly.

Today I am stronger. I am stronger then where I was 2 months ago today. I am thankful for my small group of people that I love so dearly that have helped support me and my decision. Especially to the person that has shown me one of the most important things I needed to learn to do again; love myself. Helped me find confidence when I had none. You accepted me for me. Truly listened to me. You didn’t just shake your head and agree to pass the time. You truly listened to what I had to say and when you started listening to me, it helped me listen to myself and I started putting together the pieces to the puzzle.

I met someone I wasn’t expecting to meet to help me through this. Kind hearted, down to earth, caring, selfless, optimistic, ambitious, honest, a Believer.

Surround yourself with people that make you grow, not people that hold you back. I felt like I had been chains for years and now I feel free. I feel accepted. It’s exhilarating. If you feel like your in chains with ANY relationship you are in, friendships, significant others, family relationships, remove it from your life. Period.

If you have to water down who you are to be in the room, if you have to quiet your voice for a seat at the table, you’re in the wrong room.

Let me tell you, I was in the wrong room, for a very long time. I knew I was. There were nights I cried because I knew who I was and wanted to be but I had to change depending on who I was with and that was mentally exhausting to me. I couldn’t do it anymore.

After leaving 2 months ago I promised myself two things:

1. I would never waste my time or anyone else’s time because I wasn’t being honest with myself and my feelings. I would listen to myself.
2. I would never change who I was as a person for anyone else. The right person will love you for you. The right friends will be by your side, no matter what. And if they are family, they will always have your back

Never let your fear decide your future. Tomorrow will come, and better days will follow. Trust in the process. Trust in God. Listen to yourself. Be an inspiration to others. Be kind. Love wholeheartedly. Build yourself an empire, make your dreams a reality. Be your own biggest fan. Be a leader. Be confident.

And do the damn thing.